What to expect (and do) when you leave or reject a covert narcissist
The day has finally come. You’re tired of your covert narcissist partner’s abusive behavior. You’re exhausted by the constant lying, the cheating, the gaslighting, the silent treatment. You’re heartbroken by the withholding of attention and affection, their loss of interest in spending time with you, the increasing distance between the two of you. Maybe you’ve already been discarded, the relationship has ended, your narcissist ex has asked to remain friends, and you… say no. Or worse, the narcissist tries to suck you back into their orbit through hoovering, a tactic that rekindles the love bombing stage where the narcissist does and says everything you’ve ever wanted from them, and you ignore them. Congratulations, you have now inflicted a narcissistic injury, and hell on earth is about to be unleashed.
When a narcissistic individual perceives a threat to their grandiose, superior, and entitled self-image, they experience what is called “narcissistic injury.” The term “injury” refers to the emotional or psychological harm experienced by those with narcissistic traits when someone or something challenges their self-esteem, self-worth, or self-image. Narcissistic injury can lead to profound feelings of humiliation, shame, or inadequacy, triggering self-righteous defensive mechanisms, such as rage, violence, and vindictiveness.
Leaving or rejecting a covert narcissist will definitely inflict a narcissistic injury. But you can also do this without any intention, and without even being aware that you’re doing it. Covert narcissists are incredibly hypersensitive to any sort of criticism, whether real or perceived. If you challenge them, decline to do something they want, even make a neutral comment about their appearance, they can give you the silent treatment for days or weeks to punish you for making them feel some kind of way that they don’t like. They don’t want you, but they don’t want to let you go because they now view you as property, a discarded toy that only they can play with. This is what will provide context for what’s to come.
One of the hardest things to do when you find yourself in an abusive relationship with a covert narcissist is to find the courage to break free. Another is declining to engage in a “friendship,” and deciding to go no contact with your covert narcissist ex so that you can start the healing process. You absolutely have to do these things without question if you are ever going to heal and find any sort of peace. The problem is that the abuse you are about to endure after the relationship ends is often worse than the abuse you experienced while in the relationship.
It’s tragically a lose-lose situation for anyone who has the misfortune of finding themselves involved with a covert narcissist, but it’s a situation you have no choice but to endure if you are ever to get out of the cycle of abuse. Pulling from material written by clinicians, therapists, psychologists, experts on narcissistic abuse, and my own personal experience, here’s what you can expect in the coming days, weeks, months, and possibly years after you finally decide to leave a relationship with a covert narcissist, or reject their attempts to get back into or stay in your life.
What the covert narcissist is thinking
At first, they’re going to think that you’re not serious about ending things with them. Remember that narcissists have a gross sense of entitlement, and they can’t wrap their heads around why anyone would not want to be with them or want their attention. There’s also a very good chance that you have gone back to them before, so they don’t think that this time will be any different. If things ended amicably and you have chosen to stay connected to them on social media or otherwise in touch with them, they think that all is forgiven, that you’re fine with everything they did to you, and that you are an option for them to go back to and continue using as supply. You can read more about what narcissists think when you stay in touch with them after the discard in my article HERE.
Because they’re going to have a hard time accepting that it’s actually happening, they will go through a progression of tactics to convince you to keep providing them with supply. They start out rather benign, but when each of those tactics fails to work, they will progressively get more bold and aggressive.
Hoovering
This is when covert narcissists attempt to suck you back into their orbit (like the Hoover vacuum cleaner) by acting like they did at the very beginning. They will shower you with compliments, affection, attention, start having sex with you again. Basically, they will now freely give you everything they have been withholding from you. They will start liking your social media posts again. They will ask to start spending time with you again. They will turn on the charm offensive like a firehose, tell you they love you and miss you, etc. On the more sinister side of things, they may start blowing up your phone with dozens of back-to-back text messages or calls and emails, begging you to take them back, and then getting angry for not responding to them.
Social media shenanigans
Part of the devaluation and discard phases when you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist is to withdraw almost completely from you. This usually involves no longer liking your social media posts, no longer watching your reels or stories, ignoring your comments on their social media posts. If you try to leave them or reject them in anyway, they will start paying attention to you again on social media. If you block them, they will like your friends’ posts when they feature photos or videos of you. They will start interacting with your posts on additional outlets like LinkedIn, possibly where they never interacted with you before. You can read more about ways that covert narcissists use social media to manipulate you in my article HERE.
Playing the victim
Covert narcissists are experts at playing the victim when something goes wrong in their lives, and particularly when they are at fault. They have no ability whatsoever to take accountability for their own actions, so everything that anyone is upset about concerning them has to be someone else’s fault. The world is out to get them, and their intention behind this is to get you to feel sorry for them. It is an incredibly effective manipulation tactic, and since they tend to target empaths and codependents, it is a go-to maneuver for them that works most of the time.
Guilt tripping
Covert narcissists are masters of the guilt trip. Just like playing the victim, the intention behind it is to make you feel sorry for them, but more directly because of some thing you either did to them or did not do for them. They often employ this tactic during arguments, where you start off by trying to talk to them about something they did to hurt you. By the end of it, whatever happened was now magically your fault, and you end up crying, feeling guilty, and apologizing to them for something you never even did.
Stalking
When the above tactics don’t work, things start to take a turn for the worse. Not all covert narcissists have stalking tendencies, but I’m willing to say that the majority of them do. Coverts tend to be very subtle in their stalking techniques. This is so they can have plausible deniability and make you think that you’re crazy for accusing them of doing so. They will show up to places they know you’re going to be, either to avoid them or just as part of your regular routine. If you don’t block them, they will be all over your social media trying to find out what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with. They will watch your friends’ social media accounts for the same reason. They will show up at your house or drive by your house or walk their dog past your house if they live close to you. If they’re feeling more aggressive, they may show up at your work place.
Passive aggressive behavior
This is another hallmark of the covert narcissist, as they like to express their anger through subtle means that can be hard to detect. They may show up late to events they know are important to you. They may sabotage your professional efforts or hobbies or other activities you’re involved in. They may offer to help you with a task, then either do it badly so you end up doing it yourself, or not do it at all. They might make you feel left out by not including you in a group activity. Generally these things happen while you’re still in a relationship with a covert narcissist. But after you leave them or reject them, they may do things like block you on social media, or follow and unfollow you to try to get your attention. They may completely ignore you if you run into them, then feign ignorance if you confront them about it. They may spread gossip about you to mutual friends or acquaintances, then ask them not to say anything to you about it.
Smear campaign
By this point, the covert narcissist is starting to get the feeling that you are never coming back, and that you know who/what they really are, which makes them very angry. Narcissists deal in black-and-white thinking, which means that in their mind you are either all good or all bad. Once they view you as all bad, you are public enemy number one and they absolutely despise you. Everything that was good about your relationship has been completely erased and their mind. As a result, their behavior is now going to turn malicious. The next level of escalation in post-separation abuse by the covert narcissist is the orchestrated smear campaign. This is when they tell others complete lies about you to make you look bad and make themselves look good. Often these lies paint them out to be the victim of your alleged abuse. They will try to turn as many people against you as possible, and sabotage any romantic connections you might have. Because they will hold this grudge against you permanently, the smear campaign can last for years.
Verbal abuse
Once you become all bad in the mind of a covert narcissist, that mask that they wear to draw people in and make themselves well liked and popular will drop and you will see the real them. In private of course, they will not hesitate to call you names, insult you, shame you, demean you, and turn all of those insecurities you revealed to them during moments of vulnerability against you. They may also do and say these things to other people behind your back as part of the smear campaign.
Making threats
Covert narcissists are less likely to be overtly hostile or physically violent than a grandiose narcissist simply because their tactics are more subtle, but also because they are cowards. They don’t want to draw attention to their behavior, and there’s nothing like an arrest or a restraining order made public to do just that. That doesn’t mean they don’t know how to make threats in other ways to make you fear them. If you’ve sent them any compromising photos or text messages, they may threaten to make those public or share them with your current romantic partner. They may threaten to get you fired. If you have divorced them and have children together, they may threaten to take your kids away or turn them against you.
What to do when the covert narcissist engages in post-separation abuse
Sadly, getting involved with a covert narcissist and then becoming emotionally healthy and strong enough to leave them is a lose-lose situation for anyone, and I’m just sorry this is happening to you. Leaving them is hell on earth, but so is staying with them in an attempt to prevent that post-separation abuse. You may be reading this and decide you don’t want to deal with any of these abuse tactics, so you’ll just play nice to avoid them. You can, but they will keep you stuck in a loop and you will never ever move on to a healthy relationship while you are in that trauma bond with them. However, there are some tactics you can employ to lessen the impact of that abuse, and make the narcissist bored and uninterested enough to hopefully and finally leave you alone.
Block them
This may be one of the hardest things for you to do, but if you are truly trying to get away from a covert narcissist, you absolutely have to block them everywhere — all social media, email, your phone, you get the picture. This serves several purposes. First, it sends a clear message that you don’t want them in your life, you don’t want to hear from them, you’re completely done with them. It also prevents you from seeing their name and photos pop up on your social media feeds, as well as their text or email notifications. Finally, it removes any and all access that they had to your life, and therefore the narcissistic supply you provided to them. Full disclosure, blocking them will make them very angry. But there is absolutely no way you can start to move on from a covert narcissist and heal unless you do this.
Ignore them
If you live in the same area and definitely if you’re in the same social circle, you’re eventually going to run in to your covert narcissist ex. best thing you can do with this happens is to avoid them and ignore them. Literally pretend like they are a ghost and not even there. If they try to say hello or talk to you, look the other way, walk away, or act like you didn’t hear them or see them. While it sucks that you may have to at least temporarily upend your social life by avoiding places where they're going to be, it’s in your best interest from an emotional healing perspective to stay as far away from them as you can, even if it means leaving a bar or restaurant or other location if they're there as well.
Gray Rock technique
If you absolutely have to engage with your covert narcissist ex, especially if you’re coparenting, it’s best to use something called the “gray rock” technique. This is where you are as unengaged and unresponsive as possible, boring and completely nonreactive. Essentially, you are pretending to be a gray rock. When they start yelling or accusing you of things or criticizing or otherwise trying to engage in an argument, you just say, okay. Or, I understand. Or, we all have our opinions. Or, I’ll think about that. this can be very challenging because everything inside of you is screaming to defend yourself, set the record straight, and just point out how wrong they are. But it’s a waste of time and energy, narcissists will never admit that they are wrong and will never apologize for anything. Your goal with the gray rock technique is for them to derive no supply from you, get bored, and go away.
Call law enforcement
If their harassment gets too aggressive, you may have to resort to calling the police to get them to back off. I strongly encourage you to keep a diary or some sort of written record of all your interactions with your covert narcissist ex if they’re engaging in post-separation abuse so that you have a paper trail. Keep any and all of their text messages and emails. Record any in-person interactions you have with them. You may have to get a restraining order, and all of this documentation will help to justify it. In one situation with a man I strongly suspect is a covert narcissist, I had to get cameras placed outside of my house and call the local police to tell him to stop reaching out to me. He was going to other apps I didn’t even use to try to get around my social media blocks, and even started using a fake number to send me photos of us and messages as if we were still dating a year later. Do not underestimate the lengths these people will go through to stay in your life.
