What Narcissists are Thinking When You Stay in Contact After the Discard

[Because of my own experience and for simplicity of writing, I’ll be using male pronouns when referring to the narcissist. However, this information is relevant for any gender.]

It happened, maybe for the second or third or 40th time — things are over between you and your narcissistic partner. Maybe he ended things abruptly, or he pushed you to end it through bad behavior (a.k.a. the reverse discard). Maybe he started dating or sleeping with the new woman (a.k.a. new supply) within a matter of days, leaving you devastated. Or maybe you finally saw behind the mask and recognized his abusive behavior for what it was. Regardless of how things ended between the two of you, now you have to decide if you want to stay connected to your narcissistic ex.

No matter how brutal the discard, no matter what he said to you at the end or how much disdain you think he has for you, someone with true narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) isn’t going to let you go that easily. He may say that he still wants to be “friends,” or that he wants you to be a part of his life. The truth is, he doesn’t want to be your friend, and he will not let you into his life. He just wants continued access to your life and any narcissistic supply (a.k.a. attention, sex, support) you can still give him.

Chances are you still have feelings for him, you’re still trauma bonded to him, and you’re not ready to let him go. You may think you’re over it and that you don’t care what he does or thinks, but if it’s been less than a year since the two of you went your separate ways, psychology says you’re probably not. You’re hurt, you’re reeling emotionally, or you may even feel completely neutral about things, but you’re still not ready to completely cut him off. Blocking him on social media seems so harsh, and you’re not sure if you even want to unfriend or unfollow him. You may be obsessed with knowing what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. You may want to show him you’re living your best life with your friends, and impress upon him what he’s missing out on. You may be in the same social circle and telling yourself you want to avoid any drama or awkward situations when you see him again.

It’s important to remember that narcissists aren’t neurologically wired the same way you are, so they don’t think or feel the way you do. No matter what your intentions are, no matter how neutral you think you might feel toward your narcissistic ex, staying in any sort of contact with them or engaging in any way will almost always be more harmful than not.

What is defined as contact or engaging with a narcissist?

Engagement is literally any type of contact with the narcissist or reaction to their behavior after the discard. This can be staying connected on social media (friends or follow), liking/loving their social media posts, making comments on those posts, liking their comments on your posts, watching their stories, and allowing them to watch your stories. It can also be replying or reacting to their text messages, answering their phone calls, replying to emails or direct messages. In person, it includes something as involved as a full conversation, or a simple as saying hello, or as subtle as expressing any sort of reaction, positive or negative, to their presence or attempts to engage with you. Simply put, acknowledging their existence in any way and allowing them access to your life, even if that access is passive, is considered engagement.

They think you still love/want/need them.

Narcissists are completely aware that they create a chemical addiction in you through their unpredictable hot and cold behavior, also known as intermittent reinforcement. They know it’s very difficult for you to go no contact, and that there’s an extremely good chance they’ll be able to reel you back into contact with them, whether that’s a renewed relationship, “friendship,” or physical intimacy. They have absolutely no concept whatsoever of why anyone would leave them, and no matter how strongly you emphasize that you’re done with them and you’re no longer interested, they still think all of their exes miss them and want them back. If you haven’t blocked them and they’re able to see your social media posts where you’re happy and living your best life, they think it’s all fake and that behind the images, you’re miserable without them. In their distorted view, if you like their social media posts, you still want them. If you reply to their text messages, no matter how platonic or professional, you still want them. If you simply smile and say hello to them in public, you still want them. If you’ve caused narcissistic injury and still try to engage with them, they’ll tell others that you’re obsessed with them.

They think you’re fine with everything they did to you.

There’s a phrase that therapists and psychologists use when referring to this, and it’s “pressing the reset button.” When you go back to a narcissistic abuser or otherwise engage with them in a civil manner, they totally think that you are completely okay with everything they did to you, and that all is forgiven. In their mind, if they really were that bad to you, why would you go back to them or be nice to them? In all fairness, outside observers who don’t understand narcissistic abuse might think this way as well. When you continue to engage with a narcissist, in their mind it presses a reset button that completely erases all of the abuse, the tears, the circular arguments, the cheating, the lying…everything. The next time you express a need or complain about his behavior, they’ll get angry and ask you why you’re bringing up the past and emphasize that whatever issue you’re bringing up has already been dealt with. This is just one of the many ways they evade accountability for their actions and make you out to be the problem. It also encourages them to keep engaging in the same behavior with you and others.

They think you’re an idiot.

Narcissists of every flavor, covert or not, know that they are treating you badly. They do it on purpose to gain control and power over their victims. They already have a false sense of superiority and grandiosity, so they think you’re stupid for not realizing what they’re doing to you. They think you’re even more stupid for putting up with it, going back to them, and continuing to engage with them. They derive a huge amount of supply from knowing their mask is doing the job yet again, and that their manipulation tactics continue to be effective with you.

They have no respect for you.

Narcissists may come across as super confident, especially the overt/grandiose kind. But the truth is that they hate themselves. Their level of self loathing knows no limits, and they would rather be anyone else than who they are. Their entire false existence is predicated on doing anything possible to escape from who they are. They have incredibly low self esteem, especially covert narcissists. They are also exceedingly insecure. The fact that you want to be in a romantic relationship or even be friends with them is completely baffling to them. They pretend to be somebody else because they have no idea why anyone would want to be with their true selves. Because of this, when you continue to reach out to them, or refuse to leave them no matter how badly they treat you, when you chase after them, when you happily reply to their texts or answer their calls, they completely lose what little respect they might ever have had for you.

They think you’re always available.

Covert narcissists in particular are masters at testing the waters with soft communication. If you and the narcissist are no longer in a relationship or you’re trying to go no contact, they love to reach out through brief text messages, direct messages, subtle pokes on social media, emails, etc. This could be as simple as a “Hi, how are you?” text. If you haven’t blocked them on social media, it might be a comment on one of your posts. If you have, they might start liking mutual friends' post with you in them. If you reply or react to any of their attempts to reach out to you in any capacity, they think you’re still available as supply to them. Whether you are or not is completely irrelevant to them. Remember that they live in a fantasy world of grandiosity where everybody wants them or wants to be them, and you are no exception. You are now officially a member of their harem of women, available at any time to provide them with narcissistic supply.

Should you continue to engage with a narcissist after the discard?

This depends on a few factors, but most importantly, how their involvement in your life affects your peace of mind. Some people view a narcissistic ex-partner or former friend as a mere annoyance. If you’re not in the same social circle, you may have the luxury of never seeing or speaking to this person again. If you are in the same social circle, you may want to avoid any drama or rumors by thinking you’re keeping the peace and maintaining civility with this person.

If this is your line of thinking, there are a couple of things that are very important to remember. First, if you were romantically involved with a covert narcissist for a considerable length of time, they view you as their property forever. Even though they don’t want you, they don’t want anybody else playing with their toy, no matter how broken or discarded it is. They will do anything and everything in their power to prevent you from moving on and forgetting about them. So, they will continue to poke and prod to remind you of their existence, and even go as far as trying to sabotage any new romantic relationships you might have, or even professional endeavors or associations. They will triangulate you with other former supplies or current side supplies in attempts to make you jealous, either in person or on social media.

If they have even the slightest crack of a doorway where they think they can stick their foot in and work their way back into your life, they will take that opportunity. They’ve spent a considerable amount of time studying you and mirroring you. They know exactly what buttons to push, what words to say, what things to do in order to get you to reengage with them if they think they can still extract any form of supply from you. It’s also likely that you have a history of going back to them, so they don’t see why this time should be any different.

Should I block them and go no contact?

The rule of thumb advised by nearly every therapist, psychologist, and expert in narcissistic abuse is to go completely no contact with a narcissistic abuser and block them absolutely everywhere. In some cases, this isn’t possible, like when you have shared custody of children or work together. But if you are able to go no contact, this sends the message that you are completely done with them, no longer wish to engage with them, and are no longer willing to provide them with any sort of supply. If you maintain any type of connection with them, regardless of how minor that connection might be, they will not only view it as you being okay with them and everything they did, but it also leaves the door open for attempts to love bomb you and suck you back in to the cycle of post-separation abuse (a.k.a. hoovering).

If, for whatever personal or professional reasons, you choose to voluntarily maintain a connection with a narcissistic abuser or engage with them in any capacity, you must understand, acknowledge, be completely okay/indifferent/unaffected by and agree to the following:

• They never loved/cared about you, they don’t love/care about you now, and they won’t love/care about you in the future.
• They are completely incapable of true friendship or reciprocal relationships with anyone. They were never your friend, they’re not your friend now, they will not be your friend in the future.
• They are neurologically incapable of true empathy, although they know how to say the right thing to fake it, something known as cognitive empathy. If you are sick or need help in any way that inconveniences them, they will not be there for you, unless it somehow benefits them or makes them look good to other people.
• They want you in their life for the sole purpose of gaining narcissistic supply from you, whether that’s companionship, conversation, emotional support, money, sex, or other services.
• They are neurologically incapable of viewing people as human beings with needs and emotions. To them, other people are objects or extensions of themselves. You are no more significant to them than a purse or a toaster or a stuffed animal.
• Everything they say or do when you engage with them is to maintain a level of control over you and prevent you from leaving them. If they feel you’re pulling away from them, they will try to create or force more engagement, and do anything to remind you that they exist and prevent you from moving on.
• If they think you still have feelings for them, which is what they think anyway, they will triangulate you with other people to try to make you jealous and make them feel more desired.
• If they see you have moved on with someone else, they will ramp up their efforts to engage with you and/or your partner to create chaos.
• Any attention they give you after the discard, whether that’s in person or through social media or through mutual friends, does not mean they miss you or care about you or want you back. It is purely an attempt to regain control over you and nothing more. They only miss what you did for them and the supply you gave them, and they want it back.
• You will now be a member of their harem, their collection of people, their toy on a shelf to take down and play with whenever they get bored or temporarily need more supply.

If you continue to stay connected to and engage with a narcissistic ex, this is what you are accepting. If, and only if, you have completely lost all feelings for your narcissistic ex, feel completely neutral when you see them or their picture or hear someone talking about them, and are absolutely indifferent to their entire existence and what they think or say about you, will you be able to engage with them in any way.

That being said, to keep things completely real, you also have to ask yourself why you want to maintain a connection or continue to engage with someone who meets the above criteria and abused you the way that they did. After some time has passed, you may think what they did to you wasn’t that bad (it was). But, honestly ask yourself if they are willingly giving you anything of use or benefit through that connection, and what you are gaining from it. If the answer to both of those questions is nothing, then you may want to reconsider why you stay connected to them at all. If the answer is because you want to continue to see what they’re doing or you want them to see you glowing up, you still have some healing to do, and you may want to look more into what narcissistic abuse is and trauma recovery.

Please understand that there is no such thing as “keeping the peace” with a narcissistic ex. They don’t understand the concept of peace, as they thrive in and intentionally create chaos. It’s their comfort zone, and they have absolutely no interest in giving you peace. They don’t want to be your friend, and there is no such thing as being “friends” with a narcissistic ex. They don’t want to leave you alone to heal and move on, as they truly believe they own you for life and are entitled to your attention. They will continue to use you for the four Ss — sex, supply, services, and safety — for as long as you allow it, and do nothing more for you.

What happens after I block and go no contact with a narcissist?

In all honesty, it probably won’t be pretty. The sad thing is that it’s a lose-lose situation no matter what you decide to do after ending things with a narcissist. If you stay in contact with them, you leave the door open for them to pop up in your life when it’s least convenient for you and generally make themselves a nuisance. If you’re still hurting from the breakup, you have to see their name and image pop up on your social media feeds, keeping that wound open and preventing you from healing and moving on. They may intentionally post photos of themselves being happy or with other women to make you jealous. They may start texting you or calling you randomly to give you some hope that maybe things might get better, sending you random bits of attention to keep you hooked. They’ll keep liking your social media posts to remind you of their existence.

If you block them, it causes narcissistic injury, which may cause them to retaliate in some way against you. This is where things get tricky, and it depends on where the narcissist sits on the sliding scale of NPD. If they’re a covert narcissist, they could become passive aggressive, stalk you on social media through fake accounts, use friends (a.k.a. flying monkeys) to send you messages about them or report back to them on your activities. If they’re an overt narcissist, they could stalk you in person, make threats, or even become violent. Both types may engage in a smear campaign among your mutual friends, provoking you to break no contact with rumors and lies. Regardless, they’re going to be angry, and that’s guaranteed. Because of their black-and-white thinking, you will move into the “all bad” category, they will hate you, and hold a grudge against you forever.

That being said, if you’re able to stand your ground, ignore the narcissist’s attempts to bait you into reacting, and stay in no contact, eventually they will get bored and move on. It may take some time, but eventually they’ll get the message that you have no more supply to offer them, and there’s little to no return on investment when it comes to provoking you.

Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whether or not you want to stay in contact with your narcissistic ex and engage with them in anyway. You may be in a place of complete indifference when it comes to what they’re doing or what they see you doing, and you don’t want to deal with the repercussions of going no contact. However, if the harassment and post-separation abuse becomes severe, cutting them off completely maybe the only way you can achieve eventual peace in your life.