My experience comparing notes with a covert narcissist’s former supplies
Over the course of approximately 18 months, I was romantically and physically involved on and off with a covert narcissist. I do not throw that term around lightly. He met every single one of the DSM criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, and presented as a covert variety. I also went through all the stages of a relationship with a narcissist three times, to include idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering. I ended my connection with him approximately 15 months ago, went into complete no contact 12 months ago, and completely blocked him on all forms of social media and my phone eight months ago. In the past few months, I became aware of two women who were his former supplies, both of whom I consider acquaintances, in the last year.
Since learning of their involvement, I became extremely curious about what their experiences with him were like, specifically if they were anything like mine. The advice that the vast majority of therapists, coaches, and experts on narcissism will give to victims of covert narcissists is that you should never try to reach out to the new supply to warn them about the narcissist. I fully accepted this advice, and knew that if I reached out to anyone he was currently involved with, they would 100% not believe me, that word would get back to him about what I was doing, and that he would likely label me as jealous or crazy.
Approaching Former Supply No. 1
I only reached out to the first former supply because I had heard through the grapevine that he had broken her heart and that they were completely over. She and I were only acquaintances, but were friendly and connected on social media. I recently ran into her by chance, and felt brave enough to approach her in public when she was alone. I did not ask her any questions, I merely said to her that I had heard she and the covert narcissist in question had ended badly, that I hoped she was OK, that I was very sorry for her experience, and that if she wanted any answers or to talk about someone who had also had a bad experience with him, that I was available to her. She was completely surprised and wanted to talk immediately.
That night, we spoke for about half an hour in person, then messaged for about an hour later that night. Over the following days, we spoke for hours, either over the phone or over message. The first and most important thing I learned was that she had no idea he and I were ever romantically involved. at one point, she did ask him if there was anything going on with us because she had seen a photo on social media of the two of us, but he lied and said we were only business partners. His romantic involvement with us overlapped for about four months (they were on and off for roughly 2 years, we were on and off for about 18 months), and neither one of us had any idea.
Everything was almost exactly the same
The abbreviated version of the story is that he did the same exact thing to both of us. We both went through all of the stages, to include love bombing, devaluation, discard, and hoovering. Some of the details were a little bit different, as far as the time he spent with each of us, the frequency of intimacy, what he was able to extract from each of us. Remember that covert narcissists are chameleons, and form a persona or mask that is custom-made for each victim. We both provided him with food, alcohol, a clean and comfortable home to visit, physical intimacy, and professional opportunities.
He never took either one of us on actual dates. He never bought us anything (not even drinks when out at bars together), brought us anything to our homes when invited, never offered to do anything for us. While the sex and kissing were extremely good (at least at first) and created an intimate bond and addiction very quickly, he withheld intimacy and affection and attention from both of us at various times, usually when he was love bombing and being intimate with the other or somebody else altogether. During the devaluation phase, he made both of us feel like we were ugly, rejected, insecure, and confused. At different points, we were both devastated and cried many tears.
Approaching Former Supply No. 2
After speaking with the first former supply at length on several occasions, I learned a little more about the experience of another acquaintance of mine. Because I knew they were over as well, I reached out to her in the same way. To no one’s surprise, she had the same experience as the two of us, although the time she was with him was shorter, roughly four months (she overlapped with the first former supply this entire time). She saw the red flags quicker than we did, but she developed feelings for him, and just like the two of us, thought there was more to the connection than there really was. She also provided him with food, a nice home to visit, alcohol, and work opportunities.
Another pattern we discovered was that he had either slept with or attempted to sleep with friends of ours, and in some cases, close friends who were well aware of what he had put us through. He was sleeping with other women within days, and sometimes hours, of being intimate with us. He also lied to the second supply about my involvement with him, telling her we were only business partners. He lied to both of them about other women they question him about, saying that they were not dating and that it wasn’t what it looked like. He lied to them about each other. He justified sleeping with so many women at the same time as not cheating because he wasn’t in a relationship with or technically dating any of them — or us, for that matter.
His involvement with other women
We are all in the same social circle, and from our conversations, we’ve deduced that he has slept with at least 20 women we know of, most of whom either know each other or have heard of each other. I know of at least 10 women he was involved with in the four years after his divorce and before getting involved with us. Given the research and anecdotes on covert narcissists, this is probably just a fraction of the extent of his harem. Their knowledge of the extent of his sexual involvement with all of these women is unknown, and while they probably suspect, they don’t ask a lot of questions or are just not concerned about it. He seems to believe that we won’t find out about each other, or talk to each other, and if we do, he either does not care or wears that as a badge of honor.
He has said out loud that he likes being called a “man whore,” especially by other men. What’s even more concerning is that he doesn’t like to use protection. Based on our conversations, and our observations of his behavior both in person and online over the last several years, we have good reason to believe that he’s an addict — with alcohol, drugs, pornography, and sex. This, of course, is on top of the addiction to attention that comprises narcissistic supply. He does not believe that any of this is wrong, or bad, or requires any accountability or behavior modification on his part.
We were all able to acknowledge that he told us from the beginning that he didn’t want a relationship with any of us. However, his words and actions all led us to believe that what we were doing with him would develop into something more than just friends with benefits or casual sex. His seduction techniques with all three of us were identical. He lied about most things, even little things that he didn’t need to lie about, and we have no idea how he kept all the lies straight.
Be careful if you choose to approach a narcissist's former supply
Was it difficult to hear so many intimate details about his connection with the first supply I spoke to? Absolutely. For several days, I engaged in a lot of painful rumination, picturing them together, and more importantly, picturing things that he did with them that he didn’t do with me. Am I glad I asked? Absolutely. Being abused by a covert narcissist is an incredibly lonely and isolating experience. Unless someone has been through with themselves, even your closest friends may not believe you or may feel that you’re exaggerating the experience that wasn’t abuse.
This was frustrating enough that I actually wrote another Medium article about what to tell people who didn’t believe they were abused by a covert narcissist. Being able to talk to someone for the very first time who had been through an identical experience with the same man was incredibly validating, and such a relief to finally and truly know that I wasn’t the only one who had been through it. However, I was lucky in the fact that not only did they believe me when I shared my experience, but that they were willing to talk to me about their own. This could have just as easily gone badly.
That being said, the three of us are on different journeys post separation with this particular covert narcissist. For my own healing, I chose a long time ago to go no contact and completely block him on my phone and every form of social media. I try to avoid going to places where I believe he will be, and on the rare occasions where we have been in the same place, I’ve been able to ignore him completely. Other former supplies have chosen to maintain their social media connections with him, and although they are brief and impersonal, they still reply to his occasional text messages. They are also still nice to him in person with the intent of keeping the peace in a large and somewhat drama-filled social circle. I did my best to warn them about post-separation abuse, and they felt they would be OK.
How this experience is helping me heal
Speaking to these two former supplies of the covert narcissist I was involved with for 18 months has been incredibly helpful for my healing journey. Knowing I’m not alone, knowing that other women have been through the same abusive experience, that I’m not crazy or reading too much into things, is validating beyond belief. It breaks my heart for them because I would never wish this experience on anyone. I know that at least a few women are currently going through with him, and many other women have been through it in the past, although they have (unknowingly) chosen to remain options for him and in his harem of women who he still believes can provide him with narcissistic supply. As much as I would love to help spare them any pain, there’s nothing I can do, and it is just not my job. They have their own journey to go through.
As for what I would share with other people going through a bad experience with a covert narcissist, I would tell you that you are not alone. The new supply is not getting better treatment than you, despite how things may appear either in person or on social media. Former supplies, despite the fact that they may remain in contact with the covert narcissist, did not receive better treatment than you, were not happier than you. They may still be trauma bonded to him, may be more emotionally secure and completely indifferent to hoovering attempts, may still love receiving the breadcrumbs that he occasionally provides them to keep them in his harem. They may have personal relationship issues that they still need to work through, abandonment issues, insecurities in their romantic lives.
If you have been discarded by any type of narcissist, and especially if he has quickly gotten involved with a new supply, please understand that they are not experiencing anything different or better than you did. He is now their problem, their journey to endure. Allow yourself to feel grateful that you have escaped the abuse, and can now begin your own healing journey knowing that you are not alone.
