Do this one thing to find out if your friend is a narcissist
If you’re like me, friendships are very important to you. Truly close friendships are real treasures, and can be hard to come by. Definitions of friendship can vary, especially when defined by men or women, but I feel that most people can agree we should have some basic expectations when it comes to real friendships. In my book, those expectations include honesty, loyalty, communication, vulnerability, dependability, and reliability. Even if they live far away or you don’t see them on a regular basis, real friends love you, support you, are there for you in tough times, want what’s best for you, and want to build you up to be the best version of yourself.
Unfortunately, we can all too easily find ourselves in what we think are friendships with narcissists of different varieties, or toxic people with narcissistic traits. I have found the vast majority of articles about narcissistic relationships talk about romantic connections, but the abuse is just as damaging in platonic friendships with narcissistic people. Because the word narcissist gets thrown around way too easily these days, it’s important to know what it is, and the difference between your run-of-the-mill jerk and someone with actual narcissistic personality disorder.
The difference between someone with narcissistic traits (just a jerk) and an actual narcissist (with NPD)
Many people interpret a narcissist as somebody who is merely self-centered and arrogant (a jerk). However, the true meaning goes far deeper than that. True narcissism is a personality disorder, categorized in something called cluster B, along with borderline personality disorder and sociopathy. It doesn’t refer to somebody who is just emotionally unavailable, a player, or treats people poorly depending on the situation. Narcissism is pervasive, it has no cure, it is a pathological way of behaving with people that is consistent and repetitive across-the-board. Narcissism is severely underdiagnosed and underreported because narcissists don’t seek therapy. This is because they don’t think anything is wrong with them, they don’t believe any of their behaviors are bad, they don’t feel the need to change or be better.
NPD is defined as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement
- Interpersonally exploitive behavior
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
- A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
Due to a variety of factors that include childhood trauma, narcissists never developed a sense of self and were stunted emotionally at a very young age. They have no way to derive self esteem from within, so they rely completely on the attention and validation of others to survive. This is what’s known as narcissistic supply, and their entire lives revolve around getting this from other people. All narcissists are incapable of feeling or demonstrating real love or empathy, and they view people as objects to be used to serve their needs. They also all have a layer just under the surface of anger that can turn into narcissistic rage when crossed.
Overt narcissists are what some people might automatically link with that word— people who are loud, pushy, boastful, and arrogant. But covert narcissists present very differently, which makes them extremely dangerous. They are also known as vulnerable narcissists and come across as nice, shy, humble, and charming. What really throws you off is how self deprecating they are. They will put themselves down in order to seek compliments and validation from other people. Coverts are deeply insecure, highly sensitive to real or perceived criticism, refuse accountability for their actions (it’s always someone else’s fault), and believe the world is out to get them (victim complex). They created a false self, also known as a mask, a long time ago so that people will like them. When you interact with a covert, this is who you get, and who you fall in love with. It’s an illusion, it’s not who they really are.
Is my friend a narcissist?
You probably wouldn’t be reading this unless you had seen a few red flags in your friend(s) that might indicate they have narcissistic qualities, or maybe have full-on narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). In the age of social media, a lot of us seem preoccupied with selfies or attention seeking behavior online. But what separates narcissism from self-centeredness is the subtle abuse that’s involved, usually only observed by the victim behind closed doors.
It can take quite a long time to put the pieces together because narcissists hide their true selves so well, sometimes for years. While your friend may exhibit several of the diagnostic criteria above, you may not notice it unless you’re really looking for it. But in my experience, there’s one thing you can do above all others to expose someone’s narcissistic nature.
Call them out on bad behavior.
Bad behavior is a pretty big umbrella when it comes to narcissistic people, so here are just a few examples. The goal is to bring attention to behavior that includes lying, going behind your back, talking badly about you to other people, being hypocritical, their words and actions not lining up, taking advantage of you, exploiting you for financial opportunities, withdrawing attention or communication or time spent together. The rule of thumb is to call out behavior that is hurtful or harmful, either to you, themselves, or to other people your friend supposedly cares about.
Doing this will go in one of two ways. To be clear, no one likes to be called out for negative behavior, and most people tend to initially get defensive, as it induces feelings of shame and guilt. However, a good friend that truly cares about you will sit with the information, process it, apologize if they were at fault, and work through it with you so that they can either not engage in the behavior again or just improve their behavior in the future. In other words, they will take accountability and accept responsibility for their behavior. This is the first way, and the best outcome you could hope for.
If it goes the second way, you need to be fully prepared. Below are some of the behaviors you can expect during a confrontation if your friend has narcissistic traits or full-on NPD:
- Gaslighting. This is another phrase that gets thrown around way too easily, but has a very specific definition. This is when somebody tries to get you to question your reality or doubt your clear memory of events. For example, your friend may completely deny that they did or said something, or accuse you of doing or not doing something, when your memory clearly tells you the exact opposite.
- Lying. This is a typical defense mechanism for a narcissist to avoid accountability. The lies can be grand and complex, or simple and completely unnecessary. Even when presented with clear and obvious evidence, a narcissist will continue to lie and deny.
- Deflecting. When confronted with bad behavior, narcissist like to change the subject and start talking about something else, sometimes completely unrelated to the behavior you’re pointing out.
- Attacking. When confronted, a narcissist may all of a sudden start running down a long list of things they didn’t like about you but they never mentioned until now. This list may include things that they have consistently loved or admired about you, but now they’ve twisted them into flaws.
- Blameshifting. Whatever you’ve confronted the narcissist about, all of a sudden it’s magically your fault. For example, you allegedly neglected them, which caused them to ignore you and reject your company for that of someone else.
- Playing the victim. This is a form of emotional manipulation designed to make you feel guilty for confronting them in the first place. They may bring up grievances you didn’t know about, ask you how you could talk to them this way, remind you of all the things they’ve done for you, etc.
- Rehashing. Narcissists are notorious for digging up your history of things you supposedly did wrong as a way to attack you and deflect away from their behavior. Remember that favorite mug of theirs that you accidentally broke 10 years ago? Expect that to come up.
- Triangulating. To bolster their argument, a narcissist may bring someone else into the conversation. For example, they may say that a mutual friend completely agrees with their point of view, when they may never have spoken to this person about you at all.
- Name-calling. Because narcissists are essentially emotional toddlers living in adult bodies, they revert to childlike behavior when confronted. When they suffer a narcissistic injury, a common tactic is to call you names like idiot, stupid, a drama queen, or even call you a narcissist as well.
- Debasing. When feeling attacked, a narcissist will play dirty and start trying to break you down by going after your personality, your career, your talents, your hobbies and passions. They’ll say that you’re too negative, selfish, a ladder climber, a bad parent, a phony, etc.
- Flipping. After enduring all of this abuse, a narcissist may magically flip the conversation and start talking to you like nothing happened. They may start giving you compliments or trying to prop you up or make you feel better. For example, they may say that after all the things they’ve accused you of doing, you’re still a good person, or that they know you’re doing the best you can.
And these are just things that you can expect during the conversation. By calling out a narcissist on their bad behavior, you’re causing something called narcissistic injury. Afterward, you may feel completely confused, and despite the fact you were bringing up behavior of theirs that hurt you or you found problematic, you’ll be the one in tears, apologizing, and promising to be better.
While you may feel you ended the conversation on a good note, things between you and your friend may never be the same. They’ll never forget that you called them out and saw their mask slip. They may now perceive you as a threat to their carefully crafted image, which means you need to be controlled. In order to do this, these are some things you might expect from your friend after the conversation ends:
- Hoovering. The last thing your narcissistic friend needs is for you to be saying bad things about them or start viewing them as a bad person. So, they’ll start being the kind and funny and generous friend they were at the beginning or for the past few years. They’ll talk to you as if nothing happened, may start inviting you out again, may give you gifts or start liking your social media posts again. It’s their way of making sure the two of you were good and that you move on completely from the situation.
- Breadcrumbing. A narcissistic friend doesn’t need you wandering off and potentially making them look bad when people find out your friendship has soured or ended completely. To keep tabs on you and keep you thinking of them in a positive light, they will do small things to make sure you stay connected. This could be through increased social media interaction, the occasional text or phone call checking up on you, etc.
- Smearing. If the conversation went really sour or you’ve decided to completely cut off a narcissistic friend, expect them to start a smear campaign in your friendship circle. The effectiveness of such a campaign obviously depends on your social standing and reputation. However, don’t put anything past a narcissistic friend when it comes to telling lies about you or fabricating rumors to plant seeds of doubt with your mutual friends.
- Silent Treatment. This is a common passive aggressive technique when narcissists feel you have wronged them. They will ignore your texts, not return your phone calls, avoid you in public, and just shut down any attempts to interact with them. This can go on for days, weeks, months, or years.
Things about narcissistic friends that are hard to believe but 100% true
There are so many things about identifying narcissists in your life and recovering from their abuse that are incredibly traumatic. One of the hardest is reconciling the good and fun person you spent so much time with, and the monster they really are underneath the mask. We all know no one is perfect, so you may have a attributed their past behavior to bad moods, bad days, or one-off experiences. As a loving and empathetic friend, you’ve forgiven them or overlooked these red flags. But these are the things you need to know about your narcissistic friend, and accept them so you can start the process of healing and moving on.
- Your friend never truly loved you or cared about you. They are psychologically incapable of caring about anyone other than themselves, or anything that does not directly affect them or their lives.
- Your friend hates themselves. No matter how confident or bubbly or positive they come across, they are the epitome of self loathing. They also have no identity, meaning they don’t know who they really are or what they truly believe in. They mirror other people, take preferred pieces of other people's personalities and conform themselves into becoming a mask that other people will love and pay attention to.
- They have no problem lying directly to your face about things both big and small. Lies from a narcissistic friend serve two main purposes — to make them look better and to avoid accountability. Lying by omission is extremely common, especially if they feel that sharing certain information would cause you to question their behavior.
- They don’t know how to demonstrate true empathy. In other words, they don’t know how to feel your feelings or put themselves in your shoes. Skilled narcissists engage in something called cognitive empathy, which means they know exactly what to say and how to behave to get you to believe they’re being caring, compassionate, and empathetic. They do this only to look good as a friend because they know you would reject them otherwise.
- Their good deeds and charity work are rarely done in isolation. You may know them as a pillar of the community, the first one to volunteer, the person always helping out their friends. This isn’t done out of authentic kindness and generosity, but rather as a source of narcissistic supply. It feeds them to be seen as good and kind and helpful. They tend to pick and choose when they engage in helpful tasks, and you may find them consistently unavailable when someone needs their help in a way that inconveniences them.
- They are highly controlling and have an innate need to feel superior or in a power position. They may be extremely independent and resistant to anyone they perceive as telling them what to do. This may come across as an air of subtle moral superiority, criticism of people who do things they strongly view as wrong, belittling others in a joking manner, backhanded compliments, or subtle shaming. They may lash out or suddenly reject people who challenge their need for control and power.
- They are extremely envious of you and will ultimately despise you for everything they said they loved about you. narcissist love to latch onto people who make them feel good about themselves, and want to be associated with positive energy and high value people. They will put you on a pedestal, admire you, compliment you, and tell everybody how amazing you are. But at some point, they will start to devalue you and slowly break you down to make themselves feel better and superior. They want everything you have, they know they can never be those things, so they will try to take it all away from you.
- Narcissist tend to be secretive people and have addictive personalities. They also tend to be reckless with their own health, and definitely with other people’s emotions. You may find things out about someone you thought was a close friend way after they happened and wonder why they didn’t share it with you. They may have a problem with alcohol or drugs or promiscuous behavior that they consistently minimize. They may also have a long string of short relationships or flings that they step in and out of with the same people.
- Their words and actions frequently don’t line up. They may be extremely hypocritical. They may criticize someone, tell you what a horrible person they are, say they never want to speak to them again, only to find them laughing and flirting with that person a week later because that person serves their needs at the time. They may “future fake” about big plans for their career or spending time with you or getting healthier, and do nothing to accomplish any of it.
What to do if you think your friend might be a narcissist
I have to be clear that getting this type of reaction from a friend after calling them out on bad behavior is only a first, albeit major, step to determining if he or she has narcissistic traits or is full-blown NPD. I urge you to take a look at the other diagnostic criteria and think if you have witnessed that kind of behavior from them. Remember that covert and communal narcissists are very good at showing empathy and compassion when it serves their needs, which makes them so hard to spot.
But based on your friend’s reaction to calling him or her out on bad behavior, in conjunction with other red flags you may have either not seen or ignored, you may have determined that your friend could be a narcissist. If so, your options for how to handle it can be quite tricky. If you are simply one-on-one friends, or long-distance friends, it can be a simple as blocking them on social media and cutting off contact. You can do this with or without an explanation, but I understand if you feel the need to tell them why you’re doing this if you’ve been friends for a long time.
However, chances are you're part of a friendship circle, or social group that can be quite large. You may have dozens of mutual friends, and run into each other often even if you haven’t made plans to meet up. In this situation, you want to minimize any awkward situations and avoid them trash talking you if possible. Here are some strategies for disengaging from a narcissistic friend as gently and quietly as possible.
- Withdraw slowly. Narcissists are extremely sensitive to even the smallest changes in behavior, so your friend will know if you’re avoiding them or if your general attitude toward them has changed. If you’re concerned that they might try to smear you or otherwise make your life miserable, it’s best to just slowly taper off your interactions with them. Don’t reach out, don’t invite them to meet up, be polite and friendly if you run into each other but don’t go out of your way to engage. They most likely don’t want much to do with you either, and will likely just ignore or avoid you and move onto spending time with other friends.
- Gray rock. This is a common tactic used by narcissistic abuse survivors in romantic relationships, but it works with narcissistic friends as well. The goal is to make them completely bored and uninterested in you by behaving like a gray rock. This includes not engaging with them in lengthy conversation, not giving up any personal details, just the bare minimum in conversation. For example, if you have no choice but to talk to them, just say that things are good, you’re doing fine, work is great, hope you’re doing well, and that’s it. Don’t ask them any questions, find a way to politely end the interaction and just walk away.
- Restrict social media. If you’re trying to withdraw from a narcissistic friend who is in your same social circle, I tend to not recommend social media blocking and going into complete no contact like you would in a romantic break up. This will definitely cause a narcissistic injury, as narcissists do not respond well to rejection, being blocked, or being ignored. Unless this is an extreme case of abuse, I suggest unfollowing them, placing them on your Facebook restricted list, removing them from your followers on Instagram, and just limiting their access to your life.
If you do these things, once again, it will go in one of two ways. The first is that your narcissistic friend may not even notice. He or she may be sufficiently wrapped up in their own lives and spending time with other friends that they won’t dig into your reduced social media connection, or try to make contact with you. At this point, they have simply relegated you to their collection of people they can reach out to for attention every so often, and this is the best case scenario for just keeping the peace in a social circle.
The second way is that they do notice, and they confront you about it. There’s no pretty way to do it, but at this point you may have to directly tell them that you feel it’s best for you to take a step back from the friendship and focus on yourself, or your job, or your hobbies, or your emotional health, or whatever it is that will keep them from getting angry. Make it about you, don’t argue with them (you’ll never win), and use the gray rock method if they try to argue with you about it. no matter how many vile things they say or how many insults they hurt at you, just respond with, okay, that’s fine, I understand, we just see things differently, etc. Any emotional reaction at all to their behavior is considered supply and just fuels their ego, so avoid giving that to them at all costs.
I know this is hard. You may have been friends with this person for only a few months or for decades. You may have communicated several times a day consistently for years. You may have shared some of your deepest secrets, traveled together, laughed together, commiserated over filled romance, spent time with each other’s families. It’s hard to accept that none of it was authentic, that they never truly cared about you, and that you only served the purpose of feeding their ego and self image. But no matter how long it took you to catch it, it’s best to remove these toxic people from your life, focus on yourself, and focused on friendships that are truly healthy and fulfilling.