14 Ways You Never Realized a Narcissist Was Abusing You
There’s an old adage about a frog and a pot of water. If you bring the water up to a boil and throw the frog in it, the frog is immediately going to jump out of that pot. It’s obvious to the frog it will die otherwise. However, if you put the frog in the pot when the water is cool and slowly bring up the temperature, by the time the frog realizes it’s in danger, it’s too late. This is what it’s like being in a relationship with a narcissist. You don’t realize you’re being abused until you’re trapped and it seems almost impossible to get out.
Every single relationship with a narcissist goes through very specific cycles, without fail and with only slight variations. The first is the love bombing or idealization phase, where everything seems like a fairytale, you fall in love quickly, everything is perfect, you’re getting everything from your partner that you dreamed of. But after a while, your narcissistic partner starts getting bored or realizes you’re a human being with needs, and you shift into the devaluation phase. They pull away from you, and start withholding everything they gave you freely during the idealization phase. Eventually, the narcissist will no longer have use for you or you’ll reach your breaking point, which is when either they will go into the discard phase or you will leave the relationship. You will be emotionally and psychologicallyabused during every single phase, and you likely will have no idea it’s happening until you’re well out of that relationship.
If you’re reading this, you may have recently gotten out of a relationship with someone you suspect might be a narcissist. Or, that person might be far away in your rearview mirror, but you just need some validation about what you’ve experienced. Emotional and psychological abuse are extremely powerful manipulation tools used by all kinds of narcissists, and particularly by the covert variation. The abuse is quiet and insidious, and according to some studies, even more damaging long-term than physical abuse. No one from outside your relationship can detect it, and if you’re in the middle of it, you’re likely to explain it away with a laundry list of excuses for your partner. Even your closest friends may not fully believe you when you try to explain what’s been happening in your relationship. (You can read my article HERE about what to tell people who don’t believe you’ve been abused by narcissist.)
We don’t talk about emotional abuse nearly enough in schools or conversations with friends and family, so it’s not given much importance in popular culture. Sadly, as a result, most people don’t know they’re being abused, and even if they suspect that something is wrong, they don’t know how to identify it, deal with it, get away from it, or heal from it. So many people feel broken and confused after the end of a relationship because they have no closure, and no understanding of what happened to them when their partner just blindsided them with a breakup.
Based on the work of clinicians, psychologists, counselors, experts on narcissistic abuse, and my own personal experience, I’ve put together a list of emotional abuse tactics used by narcissists in various types of romantic relationships. Some of you may have never heard these terms before to define your experience. Some of you may think that your narcissistic ex was just a jerk, or had a rough childhood, or was recovering from a painful divorce, or worse, that what you went through really wasn’t that bad. I’m here to tell you that not only was it that bad, it’s much worse than you thought, you were absolutely abused, and there are words to describe what you experienced.
Love bombing
This happens at the very beginning of the relationship, when the narcissist will shower you with attention, affection, gifts, and praise. They will study you and they will mirror you to become a person that seems like they were custom-made for you. A narcissist doesn’t have a true sense of self, so they are chameleons in that they can become whoever their partner wants them to be. They want to spend all their free time with you, tell you they love you within a few weeks or maybe even days, talk about moving in or marriage within a month or two. You will fall very quickly and get addicted to the dopamine rush they provide. You will feel like no one has ever understood you as well as this person, you will feel very intensely connected, like they are your soulmate. It sounds crazy that behavior from a romantic partner that makes you feel like the most special person in the world could be abusive. However, it’s a form of manipulation to get you under their control and exert power over your emotions. It’s not authentic, it's not real, and it’s absolutely abuse.
Gaslighting
This is a term that gets thrown around a little too easily, but its meaning is very specific. This is when a narcissist tries to get you to question your reality by rewriting history or making you doubt what you’ve seen, heard, or believe to be true. For example, you know 100% that your narcissist partner said a certain thing or promised to do something, but they will tell you that never happened or they never said that, or that it occurred very differently from what you remember. Or they’ll get very angry over something they accuse you of saying when you know full well you never said it. This tactic is hard to pin down because you love your partner, you trust your partner, so you have good reason to believe that what they’re saying is true. It will make you think you're going crazy, especially when you’re forced to doubt your reality repeatedly for years.
The silent treatment
This is a favorite punishment tactic for narcissists. If you upset them in any way, deny them something they want, tell them no, start an argument, come to them with what they think is an unreasonable demand, they will completely shut down on you, ignore you, avoid you, and basically ghost you for an indefinite period of time. They won’t reply to your text messages, they won’t answer your calls, they’ll stop liking and engaging with your social media posts, and they’ll be completely cold if you run into them in person. The silent treatment is meant to teach you a lesson, a punishment for doing anything they don’t like or makes them feel any sort of negative emotion. It can last for just a few hours, or a few weeks or months, depending on the relationship dynamic. Narcissists employe the silent treatment because they know it causes tremendous anxiety and insecurity in their partners. It also trains you very quickly to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them. The fun part happens when they emerge from their wall of silence and start talking to you like nothing ever happened.
DARVO
This is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is typically what happens when a narcissist has hurt you or upset you and you try to talk to them about it. Narcissists are completely incapable of taking accountability for their actions or apologizing with any sincerity. Admitting that they did something wrong would be coming to the realization that they are flawed and not perfect, something that is incredibly destabilizing to the false persona they have created for themselves. So, to feel good about themselves, they have to make your pain somehow your fault and your problem. Let’s say you saw what convincingly looked like your partner flirting with one of your coworkers at an office party. Later that night, you gently ask them about it and tell them your observations and concerns. First, they will deny to the moon and back that it happened. Next, they’re going to get very angry and attack you for thinking they could possibly be capable of doing such a thing. They may then accuse you of doing the same thing, or even flirting with some random person at a bar three years ago (see gaslighting). Then they’ll explain how much trouble they went through to get ready that night and make sure that you had a good time at the party, how much they’ve supported you at your job over the years, and how they can’t believe you would ruin the night by accusing them of such a horrible thing. By the end of the conversation, you’re the one in tears and apologizing. Just like the silent treatment, DARVO is extremely effective in training you not to confront the narcissist about anything.
Future faking
This can occur in all types of relationships, but seems to be the most common in casual dating or “situationships” with narcissistic partners. It most frequently happens during the love bombing stage when your partner is telling you about all the amazing things you’re going to do as a couple, all the amazing places you’re going to visit, and talk about plans for the future. This can be a simple as dinner the following week at a great restaurant or a vacation to Hawaii in six months. It’s also useful to the narcissist during the devaluation phase when they think you’re starting to lose interest because of their abuse. They’ll magically start the future talk again to give you hope that they’ve changed, or the relationship will continue, or convert from a casual dating situation into a commitment. When you press the narcissist to make these actual plans, they’ll give some sort of excuse for why it’s not going happen, like they don’t have the money right now, or they’re just really busy with this big project at work, or it’s not the right time, etc.
Breadcrumbing
This is one of the most common and despised manipulation tactics used by narcissists to abuse their romantic partners. Breadcrumbing is when narcissists give their partners just enough attention and affection to keep them stuck in the relationship, holding out for hope that things might get better. A truly skilled a narcissist will target a partner who has been treated poorly in the past, so just the right steady drip of the bare minimum will result in that partner thinking everything is wonderful in the relationship. Narcissists are incredibly attuned to their partner’s energy, and they will know immediately when that partner is starting to realize there may be a problem. Then they can turn on the spigot of attention and affection just enough to turn the ship around. However, the intervals between those crumbs are a hellscape for the partner, who is likely stuck in a well of constant anxiety and insecurity waiting for the next crumb to drop. Breadcrumbing goes hand-in-hand with the abuse tactic of intermittent reinforcement. This is when you don’t know which days will be really good and which ones will be really bad. The unpredictability results in dopamine highs and cortisol lows, a chemical addiction you form to your abuser called a trauma bond. This is what makes it almost impossible to escape the abuse cycle after the relationship ends, as breaking that bond is harder than breaking a heroin habit.
Silent sabotage
A narcissist will try to ruin your happiness at every possible turn during the devaluation phase. They’ll do things like show up late to important events. They’ll get drunk at your birthday party and make a scene. They’ll do something to make you late for work when they know you have a big presentation that morning. A covert narcissist will be even more insidious and get into your head to ruin your confidence and self-esteem. They’ll give you backhanded compliments about your outfit right before you go out for dinner. They’ll agree to help you with a home project, then weaponize incompetence to do it all wrong and make it harder and more time consuming for you to complete. If you tell them about a personal or professional achievement, they won’t remotely share in your excitement, they’ll downplay it, or try to one-up you by sharing their own infinitely better achievement.
Guilt tripping
This is one of the favorite tactics of covert narcissists, and it’s extremely effective at manipulating you into doing or giving them what they want. If they sense that you’re getting ready to leave them, they’ll suddenly come down with a serious medical condition or a life crisis to guilt you into staying with them. They’ll remind you of everything they’ve (supposedly) done for you to help you or support you to get you to do something for them. They’ll cry or say you never loved them or call you heartless when all they’ve done is try to love you. They’ll talk about their childhood trauma and how they’re just a victim of circumstance. And if this tactic works even once with you, chances are they will pull it out of the arsenal every single time you try to leave.
Blame shifting
As I mentioned before, narcissists are completely incapable of accepting blame or taking accountability for any of their actions, especially the ones that cause pain and suffering in other people. You will be amazed at the mental gymnastics narcissists can engage in to make everything somebody else’s fault. If they cheated, it’s because you neglected them. If you’re hurt, it was your choice to feel that way. If you accuse them of lying, it’s your fault for allowing somebody to convince you of something that wasn’t true. If you’re confused by and in pain from the brutal end of the relationship, you’re the one who’s obsessed and cannot move on. It will never ever be their fault and you will always be the problem.
Passive aggressiveness
This is also a hallmark behavior of the covert narcissist, especially during and after the discard, and can sometimes be extremely difficult to identify as abuse. It’s when a person is trying to explain to you what they want without being direct in their communication; they just expect you to read their mind and know what they want or what they’re upset about. For example, you go to your partner’s house and they’re visibly upset. You ask them what’s wrong, and they tell you that it’s nothing and they’re fine. You ask them again, if they’re sure. Once again they tell you they’re OK, so you believe them and turn on the TV to relax. Then they blow up and get angry at you because they wanted you to ask a third time to make them feel like you really care. If a covert narcissist is upset with you for ignoring them, for example, they could block you on social media out of nowhere to punish you or try to get your attention instead of just reaching out to you to have a conversation about it.
Withholding
This is one of the most cruel punishments and manipulation tactics that a narcissist can deal out to a romantic partner. When the devaluation phase starts, the narcissist will start pulling back and taking away all the wonderful things they gave you during the idealization phase. By now they have learned all the things you love and want and need from them, so they will systematically withhold these from you. It can be any combination of attention, affection, sex, quality time, and financial support. They can withhold as a short-term punishment for challenging or upsetting them, or it can be a more long-term thing to crush your self-esteem and self-worth. It will make you wonder what you did wrong, and assume that you must be the problem. It will make you feel ugly and rejected and worthless. Because narcissists have such low self-esteem and self-worth, it makes them feel powerful to make you feel the way they do about themselves. It also makes them feel good to tear down a partner whom they view as high-value and powerful in their own right.
Baiting
If you’ve withdrawn or otherwise gone quiet on a narcissist, they may intentionally do things to provoke you in order to get you to respond. They need an emotional reaction from you to feel like they still have some significance in your life. If they can still control your emotions, then it means that they matter. This could range from something as simple as a text out of nowhere asking you how you’re doing, to blocking you on social media, to spreading false rumors about you. And if they’re able to provoke you enough to cause you to react in anger or frustration, then they can blame you for being the crazy one with anger management issues. This is called reactive abuse.
Narcissistic rage
Every narcissist has a layer of anger just beneath the surface that can turn into a full-blown rage if provoked. The problem is, you can cause them to explode with that rage by simply asking them if they need a Band-Aid for a cut. Narcissists are hypersensitive to any kind of criticism, whether it’s intended or just perceived. For example, asking them if they need help might be perceived as them appearing weak. Telling them they have a shoelace untied or a button undone could be perceived as them being lazy or inattentive or a poor dresser. If they call you by a nickname that you don’t like and you ask them to please stop as gently as possible, they can get extremely angry, not apologize, tell you that it’s your problem, and keep calling you that name. In a worst case scenario, they will rage at you with pure hatred until the end of time if you cause a narcissistic injury to their ego by leaving them or rejecting them in any way. If you’re lucky, that rage will only manifest itself in an ugly smear campaign. If you’re not lucky, you may end up taking out a restraining order or becoming a victim of domestic violence.
Hoovering
In my opinion, the most twisted and misidentified narcissistic abuse tactic is the hoover. Named after the vacuum cleaner, this is the love bombing stage all over again after the discard. Regardless of who ended the relationship, if a narcissist thinks they can still get some sort of supply out of you (money, sex, attention, status, etc.), they will try to suck you back in to their orbit, whether it’s a renewed relationship or as a “friend.” They will go back to the idealization phase, say all the right things, do all the things they knew that you needed and wanted, and basically become the perfect partner in order to get you to drop your guard and reengage with them. Anything they previously withheld from you, they will now give it to you freely. As a result, you believe that the narcissist truly missed you, loved you, and wanted you back. All of it is an absolute lie, and it’s just a way to get you back under control. This tactic is extremely effective, as it takes on average seven attempts to fully leave the cycle of abuse with a narcissist.
How hidden narcissistic abuse manifests itself in your daily life
All narcissists are motivated by the insatiable need for narcissistic supply, that attention that they can never get enough of. In order to do this, they also need power and control over everything and everyone, and they use every combination possible of the 14 tactics I’ve listed above in order to accomplish this. Unfortunately, because they’ve become experts at manipulation and emotional abuse through a lifetime of practice, and because you’re blinded by your love for them, you will likely have absolutely no idea that you’re dealing with a form of emotional and psychological abuse.
Everyone’s mileage will vary when it comes to the daily manifestation of narcissistic abuse because there are several different types of narcissists. However, I find that victims most commonly find themselves walking on eggshells around their partners just to keep the peace. If you spend enough time with them, you get to learn what their triggers are for that narc rage and you avoid them at all costs. You agree with almost everything they say. You go along with their plans, you never challenge them, you let most of their transgressions slide, and they are the ones who are fully in control of the relationship. You minimize your needs and make yourself as small as possible in the relationship. You wake up and ask yourself what version of the narcissist you’re going to get that day. Especially if you’re married to one, you somehow find some sort of stability and semblance of happiness by following their lead and becoming hypersensitive to their moods.
In romantic relationships, we’re attracted to the familiar. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been in multiple narcissistic, abusive, or toxic relationships because subconsciously, it feeds a familiar dynamic from your childhood. If you experienced any of the behaviors above in your relationship, they may have seemed “normal” because it’s what you saw growing up. If someone told you while you were in the middle of the relationship that you were being abused, you probably would’ve laughed and thought they were crazy.
Now that you are armed with this information and have the awareness that you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse, it’s time to become a survivor and get help. It is virtually impossible to heal from this type of abuse on your own, and the long and difficult journey starts with finding a good therapist who is familiar with narcissistic abuse. It takes a while to heal the childhood wounds that led you into this type of dynamic, but the only way to get into a truly emotionally healthy relationship in the future is to go through the fire of therapy and self reflection.
